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May 18 2017

I've noticed something around me that I find curious: some people noticeably filter cuss words out of their language. They usually say something like, "Well, I can't say that in front of a pastor." Others don't filter their language but then sheepishly say something like, "Oops. Sorry, pastor." Friends, let me ease your anxiety. Cussing might be helpful.

Back in January an international research team published a report in the journal, Social Psychological and Personality Science, and wrote, “We found a consistent positive relationship between profanity and honesty; profanity was associated with less lying and deception at the individual level and with higher integrity at the society level.” In our Access sermons over the past month we've looked at strategies for healthy conflict, and the Bible has continually emphasized the importance of honesty. We've also learned that naming, expressing, and taking responsibility for our emotions helps improve the outcome of confrontations. The researchers indicated that cussing helps with part of that too: “The spontaneous use of profanity is usually the unfiltered genuine expression of emotions.”

However, the researchers reported another finding: “Swearing has also been shown to hold a negative relationship with the personality traits of conscientiousness and agreeableness.” So, when people are being honest, they may swear, but people also swear when they’re just being mean. This past Sunday I referred to Colossians 3:14 that says, “Above all, clothe yourselves with love,” and I highlighted that the English word “love” is translating the Greek word “agape” which means self-sacrificial actions for another. That kind of love is the opposite of being mean to others. I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention that one of the 10 Commandments is not to use God’s name “in vain,” and numerous other verses direct us not to curse others or use language that tears others down.

On the other hand – or back to the first hand, I guess – I'd also be remiss if I didn't share that Paul wrote in Philippians 3:8 (KJV), "I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ", only he didn't say "dung" (at least not in the original Greek). Paul expressed with deep honesty and emotion just how valuable he considered his knowledge of Christ.

Here's what I'd like you to take away from all of this. If your language is mean or hurtful, whether profane or not, I hope you'll seek God's help and work to change it. As for your and my conversations, I'd love to interact with the raw, unfiltered, honest, genuinely emotive you. That's how God knows you and loves you, and it's how I'd like to know you and love you too.

I hope you'll join us for worship at Access this Sunday. FUMCR's senior pastor, Dr. Clayton Oliphint, will be preaching and sharing the scriptural basis behind our church's mission: With Open Hearts and Minds, we Welcome people for Christ, Grow people in Christ, and Serve people with Christ. I'll be preaching in the sanctuary services all morning and looking forward to being back with you the following week.

In Christ,
Rich

Access Pastor
First United Methodist Church Richardson

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May 11 2017

Among the 10 Commandments we find, “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 10:12).  Setting aside a special day in our country to honor mothers goes back to the early 1900s, and the first such day began in a Methodist church; however, the woman that worked for that day of recognition later tried to put an end to it.

Prompted by the death of her mother, Anna Jarvis organized the first official Mother's Day celebration in a Methodist Church in Virginia in May 1908. During her life, Anna's mother had organized a "Mother's Friendship Day" that brought together former Union and Confederate troops and their mothers to promote peace. With the help of religious and corporate supporters Anna spread Mother's Day from that first church (where her mom had taught Sunday school) to a national holiday in 1914.

Companies that sold greeting cards, candy, and especially flowers loved Mother's Day, and as their profits rose, so did Anna's anger. She felt that the commercialization of the day robbed it of its intended purpose to honor mothers. In a press release she asked the readers, "WHAT WILL YOU DO to rout charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers and other termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest and truest movements and celebrations?" By the end of her life she was lobbying lawmakers to get rid of Mother's Day as a national holiday.

This Sunday at Access we’ll honor mothers in various ways. Men of our church have donated roses (our intent is noble, Anna, we promise) to decorate our worship space in honor of mothers, and we’ll have a special time of prayer for the many and varied kinds of mothers that surround us and for the variety of joys and struggles they face. We’ll also conclude our Lighting the Fuse series of sermons on conflict with “Habits that Heal”.

See you Sunday!
Rich

Rich Rindfuss
Access Pastor
First United Methodist Church Richardson

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May 5 2017

In last week’s Access sermon I shared a story from Joshua 22:10-34 that relates a conflict between different Hebrew tribes. One group took a provocative action. The other group prepared to go to war. But before they started fighting, they talked and managed to resolve the conflict. In this week’s post I’ll recap the steps I shared on Sunday for productive confrontation.

Step 1: The Event

• This is simply where the confrontation begins. Something happens that provokes a confrontation.

Step 2: Naming

• This is about naming the event over which we’re having a confrontation.
• - Using factual terms is important so that both sides can agree. It’s productive to say, “this happened” or even “you did this”.
• - Avoid assuming motives or intent. For example, it’s unproductive to say, “You did this to hurt me.” Assuming motives or intent often prompts a defensive reaction that makes it harder to resolve the conflict.
• - Avoid using value-laden terms to describe the other person or the event. It’s unproductive to say, “This was a vengeful thing you did” or “You’re a vengeful person”. Similar to assuming motives or intent, using value-laden terms often prompts a defensive reaction.
• - Avoid bringing up past confrontations. “This is just like you!” or “This is just like that time when you…” raise the stakes of the confrontation. Now the confrontation is not just about the present event but also about past events and possibly the person’s character too. Stakes that high often prompt a defensive reaction.
• - It is ok to name your own feelings when naming what’s happened. For example, it can be productive to say, “When you did this, I felt hurt  / betrayed / embarrassed / disrespected / etc.” It’s a little tricky to “own” your feelings without implying the other person caused them or intended to cause them, but if you can state what happened and how you felt without implying motive or intent on the part of the other person, it helps to avoid a defensive reaction.

Step 3: Exploring

• This is about listening and sharing intent and motivation. Each side listens to and shares why they did what they did.
• - Vulnerability and honesty in this step is risky but also has great power for resolving conflict.
• - In the Joshua 22 story, the tribes that took the provocative action named their underlying motivation as fear. They took a provocative, attention-grabbing action, because they were afraid one day the other tribes might cut them off. Here’s the unfortunate pattern I see in the Joshua 22 story and often in our conflicts: we don’t want something to happen, we take a provocative action in response, and the provocative action almost produces the very outcome we didn’t want to happen. In the Joshua 22 story, the provocative action almost started a war, which would have resulted in the tribes getting cut-off, which was exactly what they feared.
• - Vulnerability about our true underlying motives and intent – fear in the case of the Joshua 22 story – has the power to transform our opponent’s anger into compassion. When the tribes in Joshua 22 name their motivation as fear and share what they are afraid of, the other tribes are moved to compassion and trust, and what began as a prelude to war ended with peace and an affirmation of the bonds between all the tribes.

Step 4 – Seeing the “child of God”

• “Seeing the child of God” is about seeing the other person in a confrontation as a person of immense value. That recognition empowers the difficult work of naming using only facts both sides can agree on and exploring the other person’s motivation and intent without assuming we know why they did what they did. “Seeing the child of God” also empowers us honestly to share our own motivations even when that means being vulnerable.

Productive confrontation is hard. Even when both sides want a confrontation to be productive, it’s hard. It’s harder still when only one side works to make it productive. I hope these tips will help, but they may not. But no matter the result of your next confrontation, know that you are a child of God, a person of immense worth. Your success or failure at a productive confrontation will not change that.

I hope you’ll join me this Sunday at Access. We’ll look at the role of friends in our conflicts and explore how they can help and harm the process of resolving them.

See you Sunday!
Rich

Rich Rindfuss
Access Pastor
First United Methodist Church Richardson